Submitted by Lynn Hewitt

True story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech Rep:"Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

Submitted by Chumley [Mark Riethmeier]

PRISON VS. WORK

In prison you spend a majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work you must carry a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you're just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work youcan't even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.

At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go to bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of

In prison there are sadistic wardens. At work, we have managers.

Submitted by Chumley [Mark Riethmeier]

Three pints of Guinness

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

Submitted by Rick Penza

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

The engineer wants to check on the intellegence of his operators. He decides to ask the same question to everyone. "What's the value of PI?" He asked the electrician. "3.14" said the EM. What's the value of PI?" He asked the RO. "3.1415936525....(going on for 40 digits)" replied the ET. What's the value of PI?" He asked the mechanic. "I don't need to know that to do my job. What do I care?" responded the MM. What's the value of PI?" He asked of the ELT. "Well, what was it yesterday?"

Alternates: "What do you want it to be?" or "What's the spec?"

The day finally arrives: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you." "I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this." "Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest." "But the test I have for you has only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?" "Second, how many seconds are there in a year?" "Third, what is God's first name?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?" "Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow!"

The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer."

"How about the next one?" says Saint Peter, "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve!" "Twelve!" "Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second....." "Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one, too."

"Let's go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?"

Forrest says, "Well shore, I know God's first name. Everbody probly knows it. It's Howard."

"Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's 'Howard'?"

Forrest answers, "It's in the prayer."

"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"

"The Lord's Prayer," responds Forrest: "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name...."

Three Engineers and three Managers are going to a conference and must travel by train to get there. At the station, the three Managers buy their three tickets and watch as the three Engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" says one Manager. "Just watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer.

They all board the train and the Managers take their seats and watch as all three Engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. The train departs and shortly afterward, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Managers see all this and agreed it is quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Managers decide to copy the Engineers on the return trip and save some money (expense reports). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. But to their astonishment, the Engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a single ticket?" says one Manager.

"Just watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer.

They board the train. The three Managers cram into a restroom compartment and the three Engineers cram into an another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Engineers leaves his restroom, walks over to the Managers stall, knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".

This guy goes out to play a round of golf and as he's on the second tee, he glances back and sees this gorgeous babe on the first tee. He waits for her and asks if she'd like to play out the round with him. She says sure and they play the round together. She is a good golfer and a lot of fun and he's really enjoying himself, so he asks if she'd like to go back to his place for dinner. She says sure and they go to his apartment and he prepares a great dinner and then after dinner she says she's really had a great day and gives him the best blow job he's ever had. So, of course, he asks her if she'd like to repeat this experience the next day. She says sure thing.

So, the next day it repeats -- great round of golf, great dinner and great blow job.

And the next day.

And the next day.

And the next day.

Finally, after the great round of golf and great dinner, he says he's really been enjoying the blow jobs, but he'd really like to have some regular sex with her.

She says: "Not possible -- I'm a transvestite!"

He says: "You BITCH, you've been hitting off the women's tees all week."